Rules for Living on Serenity
by Verdant Wings
Summary: Should you find yourself stuck in with the crew on Serenity, there are a few things you ought to know...
1. Chapter 1

Rules for Living on Serenity

If you have a crazy psycho-genius sister, don't attempt to play mind games with her. You'll only get scared.

If you happen to be the crazy sister, mumble random tangents of thought any time a situation seems to be approaching normalcy.

If you're the licensed companion, try not to fall in love with Captain. If you can't help it, at least make sure he looks delicious in tight leather pants.

If you're after grabbing the attention of a cute doctor, get yourself shot. Sure-fire way to break the ice.

Should you happen to be the weapons junkie, be sure and name all of your favorite pieces. It takes killin' to a whole new fun level!

Always lock your door at night. If you don't, a crazy girl, a bored weapons fanatic, or a perverted assassin just might sneak on in and disturb your good night's rest.

If you decide to illegally transport your sibling in a large, suspicious box, don't make the situation worse and go check on her without the Captain's permission. And for heaven's sake, don't leave her naked!

Never, ever trust anyone who wears blue gloves along with a government-issue suit. First off, it's just bad taste, and secondly, they might try to torture and kill you.

If pieces of the ship should randomly start to fall off, never fear. That's been happenin' for years, and everything's still shiny.

Should the ship's life support system malfunction, don't worry about the lack of oxygen. You won't suffocate. You'll freeze to death first.

Be careful where you decide to have your romantic rendezvous. If you're in the engine room, any innocent bystander might walk in and be traumatized. Poor Captain.

Do not discuss your physical deprivation issues with the Captain, regardless of the prolonged nature of a lonely flight. He can't know stuff like that!

Should you encounter an all-you-can-eat buffet while planet-side, do not hesitate to take advantage of the opportunity. All the rest of the time, you'll be obliged to survive on the standard nutrients, though they do come in every color of the rainbow.

If you think you're not going to need grenades on a heist, bring 5.

If you should happen to lose a limb, don't hesitate to call on Doc for some emergency action. However, after he's done re-affixing the bit, don't fiddle with it. It might fall off again.


	2. Chapter 2

Beware the mood swings of the crazy genius. She can go from innocent little girl to cussing fishwife in two seconds flat, and just because she weighs 90 pounds doesn't mean she can't knock a grown man flat.

Don't ever let Shepherd take out his ponytail. That is a sight to chill the heart of even the most hardened warrior.

If you're a Christian, don't bother trying to bring your religiosity onboard the ship. The Captain will mock it, the crazy girl will dissolve it with logic, and the Companion will help you doubt your resolve.

If you're the Companion and intend to entertainment company of the same gender, consider making an on-planet appointment. Otherwise, you just might give the weapons junkie a heart attack. His mind is in the gutter.

If you're the butt-kicking, Samurai sword-wielding villain, don't waste your time dramatizing your entire plan for your victims. They're sneaky, and will probably be plotting instead of listening to your carefully devised monologue.

Don't ever tell the Captain that he's petty. Criminal, crook, thief, and rebel, he's been called all of those, but he tends to take offense when you liken his master plans to trivial escapades.

If people tend to think you're a harmless courtesan, beautiful but brainless, be sure to keep a few surprises for protection. Sweet incense is nice and peaceful after a long day of work, but you never know when a cleverly disguised flash bomb will come in handy. A girl has to be prepared with a 'verse full of such ornery men.

Never take a closed box for granted. You never know what it will contain: an unconscious girl, Momma's knitted cap, strawberries, a dead body…

If you're the quirky engine maintenance girl, never underestimate your personal style of charm. Flirt using your experience with hammers and motor oil, and flaunt the fact that your fingernails are never quite clean.

If you're a bumbling idiot, tell your girlfriend that the reason you two are together is because she really _is _the only girl around. However, if you want to ever actually have a real relationship, stick with phrases like "soul mates" and "meant to be."

If you're the crazy girl and you want to liven things up a bit, scare the illegally-transported cows in the cargo bay. Profanities and stomping are quite useful in this area, and have the added effect of getting rid of some of that brain-traumatized stress. Also, everybody gets pre-ground hamburger for supper!

Never kiss a girl you've only just met, even if she is your wife, is well-endowed, and seems perfectly willing to end your loneliness. There's a reason her village didn't want her.

Better yet, stay far away from any such girl. You touch her, and you'll be hearing Sheperd's voice in your head for the rest of your life…"special level of Hell, reserved for child molesters and people who talk during movies…"

If you're somebody who's just plain mean, don't bother trying to bring down Kaylee's cheery attitude. First off, she'll just ignore you and think about kittens and strawberries and pretty dresses, and secondly, the entire crew will beat you with a stick.

Do not shoot at live people with your back turned and your eyes closed. Just don't do it. Unless, of course, you're a super genius teenage girl with highly suspicious combat skills. Then go for it.


	3. Chapter 3

Be aware that the Captain, though a little rough at the edges, is a thoroughly dedicated leader. He will do what he must to keep the crew together, whether it be decking any unruly members or making passes at another man's wife. It's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it.

Never assume that conversations you have onboard are private. Serenity is a thievin' ship, after all, and has more nooks and crannies to hide in than a person could find in a year. River, of course, probably found them all the first day.

It is best to assume that anytime Inara and Mal can speak with one another like civilized folk, there's something fishy going on. Odds are, she's in need of some of some of those petty thievin' skills, and the whole innocent conversation is a…TRAP!!!

If slobbering, torn-up, howling crazy men board the ship, never fear. It's just Reavers. They may kill, rape, and eat you (hopefully in that order), but they're really not so bad once you get acquainted.

Never make the assumption that just because a man was on the losing side of the war, he was on the wrong one. And certainly never make that assumption in front of the Captain. He's liable to get his dander up about it.

Feel free to use Serenity as a threatening back-up should you ever get into trouble with some grumpy planet-dwellers. Disregard the fact that she's a transport ship, and therefore has no large gun power. It's doubtful they'll realize that in time to shoot you.

If you're the Captain, dignity and maturity must be maintained at all times for the sake of your position. Even if you do happen to be naked in the middle of a steaming desert with no ready explanation. Such trivial details do not matter in the big scheme of things.

Do not demean the local artwork in a tourist shop, no matter how tacky or primitive it may be. First of all, your opinion is not everyone's, and second, what if someone had wanted to show their appreciation to you with a little gift? Not to mention the fact that the shopkeeper might be right behind you…

Do not ever, ever trust someone who has double-timed you before, whether it be an old woman or a sweet-looking lady. Instant plot set-up. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…

Refrain from decking a man on his home planet, regardless of the antagonism, unless you've fully understood the customs of the place. You won't impress the girl, even if you do get stabbed, right there in the side.

Do not ever challenge River to a battle of brogue. She'll likely skin ya like a fish an' 'ang you up to dry, she will. She thinks like she's from the ol' 'omestead.

Never mind if you're a psychotic brain, avoid ice-planets. They're tricky little devils, so don't you feel bad if you can't seem to master how to eat them. Ignore the fact that _Jayne _has no trouble at all with them.

Do not trust everything the Captain says. I don't care if he's in charge, he's not a medical expert, so don't take his word for it if he tells you one of your charges has mysteriously died. He'll just giggle about you later, along with the rest of the crew.

Don't worry, even if you're not a Christian, the fact that you can hit a guy in the neck at five hundred yards with a bent scope will be taken into account upstairs. Shepherd Book says so, so it must be true, right?

If you're the good-hearted, well-meaning doctor, don't fret too much about killin' somebody when you help out in a tussle. From the looks of things, the odds of you actually hitting somebody are so low that you don't have to really worry about it.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Okay, I totally forgot to do this on the last three chapters, but I, unfortunately, do not own anything related to Serenity or Firefly, unless you count my awesome fan messenger bag . Wish I did, but I don't.

Author's note: I like the reviews I'm getting on this! It's nice. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. This is one of my first attempts at literary humor, and it seems to have been a moderate success. Also, if you donate some ideas that I use, I'll do my best to recognize your contribution. However, I don't intend to post another chapter until I get at least 10 reviews on this one. I know, I know, I'm demanding, but I'll think all kinds of nice thoughts about you if you review! By the way, thanks to Mint Tea Rose (my beta) for some inspiration, though she doesn't really get any direct quotes :-P. Muahahahaah….

If you're along on a job to help out with interrogation, don't get side-tracked by the big, square guy in the red sash. That's just the buffet table, and not really your main objective here.

Even if the Captain was real mean to you earlier, don't miss out on the chance to attend the fancy to-do later on in the evening, especially if the Captain really _is_ gonna buy you that frilly dress. A girl's gotta have some fun, don't she?

If it looks like River's on a mission (of the gungho, scarily athletic type), you probably shouldn't get in her way. Even if you are her brother, she's more of the "punch the windpipe, ask questions later" sort of girl.

If you're the weapons junkie, give up on trying to forcefully subdue the crazy girl. You'll just end up with spectacular bruises and the shame of having to explain how, once again, the sweet, innocent little thing beat the crap out of you.

If you're the comic relief, you can get away with all kinds of behavior that ordinarily would be treated with derision and mockery. Go ahead, talk to your plastic dinosaurs if flying gets a little tedious. However, be aware of the fact that the comic relief is generally expendable…

The Captain don't quibble too much about things like honor and courage. He's a practical man, and won't hesitate to risk the livelihood of the ship so that he don't get left. It's cold out there, after all.

There are nooks and crannies in the Captain's history that really never should see the light of day. For example, no one should know that he knows how good it feels to wear women's clothing, and why he seems to show no embarrassment while doing so.

If you're the psycho genius, it's probably best not to let the common folk know all your little secrets: you can fight like a ninja, you can do grueling math problems in your head, you can read minds…no matter how much fun it seems at the time, being burned at the stake is not a good thing.

inspired by Morwen Tindomerel

Don't flirt with the cute blond pilot unless you've got a death wish. Zoe's gotta gun…

Learn to love colored protein.

Everybody on this boat is either crazy or traumatized or both. And most are hiding deep dark secrets. Healthiest not to pry.

Realize that dinner can sometimes be mighty interesting. If it's mystery meal night, that just means the crazy girl got the notion to take all the labels off the cans again…

It's not really hard to bribe Kaylie, if you're of a mind to. She's a simple soul, and gets all weak-kneed at the mere notion of some bright red, juicy, delicious strawberries.

Do not get on the crazy girl's bad side. She might look all cute and innocent, but she has powers average folk can't even comprehend…she can kill you with her brain…

Furthermore, don't forget she can read your mind. So, if you're tempted to do a little lucrative betrayin', be prepared for retribution. Then again, if you're the weapons junkie, no one's really gonna care if you get stabbed anyways.


	5. Chapter 5

1

Last stands with the sneaky bad guys aren't really worth your time. Just shoot him and be done with it. We've got a tight schedule.

Never play trivia with River. You'll just end up curled into the fetal position, having learned things that no one EVER needs to know.

There is a very thin line between bravery and stupidity. Vowing to kill someone who has you way outnumbered is just a good way to get shoved into a running ship turbine.

Do NOT drink the wood alcohol!

If you're a man with a girly name, it's probably best to also be the meanest one with the biggest arsenal. Of course, even then you might still be mocked.

If you're planning on doing some kidnappin', it's probably a good idea to know a little something about your intended victim, beyond just where they might be found. For example, how big are they? What kind of military skills do they have? Are they PSYCHIC?

If you've managed to become a doctor without ever going under the knife yourself, don't spread that bit of info around. Some might see that as unfair, and try to rectify the situation.

No matter how educated you are, you can still be the butt of a practical joke. In particular, don't trust anything Jayne says unless you verify it with someone else. It can be really awkward being the only one wearing a space suit.

Never assume that a young, pretty face indicates innocence. You never know whether the body attached to that face will be seducing you, drugging you unconscious, stealing your ship and leaving you buck-naked…

If you thought those years of ballet class your mother made you go to were useless, think again. Spend some time on Serenity, and you'll be climbing walls hanging from ceilings, and basically kicking butt with incredible grace.

Inter-ship relationships affect EVERYONE on the ship, as do the inevitable tussles. Don't expect anything to stay private for long, and realize that common tact will be overwhelmed by the everyone's need to tell dirty jokes about it.

If you're psychic, you might want to practice some control over what you do and do not pick up with your brain. It's a little ship, so people can get creative when looking for intimacy, and you never know what you'll mentally stumble upon. You're already crazy, don't make it worse.

If you're going to throw-up, do it on your brother's bed. Sure, he's trying to help you, but you're probably getting really tired of being poked with needles.

Enjoy every moment of life. Sure, the Alliance is inches away from discovering you and thrusting you back into mental torture, but heck, you got to go on a spacewalk!

If Mal suddenly has the urge to go bar-hopping on-planet, be very, very suspicious. He doesn't spend a lot of time dirt-side without a good reason, not seeming to like people all that much. Is it Unification Day, by any chance?


	6. Chapter 6

Hey everybody, it feels awesome to be updating again

Hey everybody, it feels awesome to be updating again. Thanks for all the submissions, and nobody get insulted if I tweak them just a little, so that they'll fit in with the rest of my list. By the way, since Firefly was canceled after only one season (arrgh!!) I'm simply running out of material, so I'm thinking about doing a list for something else? Any ideas? Miyazaki films? Twilight series?

Do not let the captain use your engines as a weapon. If he insists on it, make him clean it up.

For the above, thanks, phantomcranefly! Good stuff!

The rule about the crazy girl not touching guns is only valid when there are no Reavers about. This also applies to knives and other sharp objects.

Never wear anything with the Blue Sun logo on it, you might end up getting your chest sliced open with a butcher's knife by the crazy girl.

Having faith is not the same thing as believing in God. And no, this is not the beginning of a sermon.

Book was not always a sheperd, so don't be suprised when he knows more about alliance proticals than he should. Just accept the help from the nice military boys, and try not to look suspicious.

Yay, Flowerfairy30! Thanks so much for helping me out!

If you're in the middle of a glorified fistfight with a ninja-like Alliance official, it's always fun to count how many ways you should have died already.

You rock, 12 Withering Roses! And your name does, too!

If you're the hot doctor, take your shirt off as MANY TIMES AS POSSIBLE. Unfortunately, that still won't be very many times. You're much too proper for that.

If a sinister man asks you what your sin is, run in the opposite direction like you're on the Reaver's next meal plan, though you still probably won't be fast enough.

Never trust man who marries his robot play toy. There's just something not quite right with that.

Jayne can never be in charge. Why, you may ask? Well…because he just…can't…That's why!

If the crazy girl has a gun pointed at you, do not assume false bravado and tell her to go ahead and shoot you. I'm telling you, they messed with her brain. She will do it.

Serenity cannot stay afloat with too much sexual tension, because Wash can't handle it. You may be forced to get it on with his wife, just for his peace of mind.

If the weapons junkie is making mutinous noises, don't try to reason with him. Hit him with the elephant-sized tranqs NOW, ask questions LATER.

Possible romantic encounters with the cute doctor are definitely reasons to fight harder. With that kind of chance, you don't want to be eaten by Reavers. You wanna live!

Remember, always take time to stop and smell the engine oil, and to appreciate the pitter-patter of little combat-booted feet.

**I just reposted this to add this note. I have started a Twilight series list, for those of you who professed interest, called Rules for Living in Forks. Check it out! Or don't. **


End file.
